FRESH YARN presents: What is it you C#nt Face Maria?... by Emma Chasin-Rappaport

FRESH YARN presents:

What is it you C#nt Face Maria?
By Emma Chasin-Rappaport

Was it Princess Anne or Paul Lynde who said "There's nothing better than hanging out with a bunch of queens?" Well let me tell you, my friends, that couldn't be truer.

Recently, I went to a special evening of theatre called "Sing Along Sound of Music" at the Hollywood Bowl. That should make the first sentence make sense now. Everyone who knows me knows two things: 1) I like to refer to myself in the third person, and 2) Emma loves the musical as a genre. There's nothing like having a dramatic storyline interrupted by song whenever the emotion hits a high. However, The Sound of Music was never one of my faves. Maybe it's the goyisha family that actually has a "Captain" or the prolific Nazi influence in its heroic theme that makes me feel a little alienated -- neigh I say, stifled -- but The Sound of Music was not a first choice when it came to car-ride sing-alongs on the way to visit Auntie Rashi at the King David Home for the Elderly in beautiful, downtown Deer Beach, Florida (never could get a private room ... it was such a shanda.)

However, I would like to tell you that for everyone that has ever felt the outsider at an Austrian-based love story musical, let me say that you should give it another try. Maybe it was the camaraderie of 16,000 gay men and disenfranchised, nerdy comedy writers, or the soft pretzels and Chandon champagne available, but this night was a panoply of good, not so clean, fun.

I was sitting with my gaggle of girlfriends for our monthly "girl's night out" which was usually pre-made crudités from Ralph's and a bad Michele Lee TV movie. But my friend Jane picked this one and it was a winner.

Anyhoo, in the beginning I had my doubts as the pre-show was an unending roll call of kids and adults in various, home-made Sound of Music costumes for the apparent semi-annual Sound of Music Costume Contest (the winner gets a free cruise to Catalina…does not include free Jitney rides or golf cart rentals.) I saw visions of lederhosen in drapery material obviously snatched from the discount bin at House of a 1000 Fabrics. I saw six youngsters dressed in white, all attached at the head to a huge pillow kitten face (whiskers on kittens...get it?) and worst of all I saw an aged transvestite, resembling Gene Rayburn, dressed as the Countess. But the pre-show entertainment didn't stop there.

The pace inched along as the sun started to set, but not before the choreographer of said movie had a thing or two to say, thank you very much. "Oh Mommy please tell me there's a chance the script supervisor will be there PLEEEESZZZZE!!!!???" Nope, but I know a 58-year-old Leisel will be there and maybe she'll sing a pathetic unaccompanied version of "Sixteen Going on Seventeen." Oh yes… the little minx faked us out, introduced herself and threatened to sing "58 Going on 59" but laughed it off as just a far away dream. "Oh stop Leisel! You're killing me!"

Finally, the show was to begin and not a moment too soon. The crowd was getting uneasy. Bored with their polite conversation and French cheese and crackers, they had resorted to craning their necks to get a glimpse of Tom Cavanaugh from everyone's favorite comedy, Ed (brought to you by the producers of The Late Show with David Letterman!) and were all too ready for the piece d'resistance…Sing Along Sound of Music!

Behind me were a charming and cutting group of homosexuals. More entertaining than the experience itself were my new friends, now honing in on my "gay man pheromone" that usually hinders me from meeting a potential free dinner with a nice Jewish boy at every social gathering. They offered me wine, cheese, crackers and fruit while we laughed and laughed -- ha ha ha, hee, hee, hee, we were best pals. The girls and I settled in as the hills became "alive."

Armed with my bag of props, provided by the good people of the Hollywood Bowl, I had my sprig of Edelweiss, card with a "question mark" on it (to hold up during the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?") and square of fabric (read: curtain) among other things, ready to go.

The hills were alive. The Hollywood Hills. And I had 16,000 screaming gay men and acerbic single women to prove it. Gleefully belting out "My Favorite Things" and "Climb Every Mountain," the Bowl took on a fervor. Suddenly, we were all one. Putting aside my constant vigilance of making certain that my shirt was covering the rolls on my stomach, I felt my inhibitions leave my body and I became a part of the Austrian collective, singing my heart out and losing myself in renditions of "Do-Re-Me," hand gestures and all. It was freeing and I have to say, I feel I am a bit closer to understanding why man-on-man love is so appealing. Not for the sexuality of it all, but for the shared camaraderie. The boys behind me were relaxed, loud and confident -- almost like the married women I was with -- they had nothing to prove. No one to impress. They had a community, and even if they weren't partnered up they felt just as confident without a man on their arm as my friends did with a man at home. Gay men are an enigma all unto themselves, and if it were possible, and they were willing, I would spend my days on what I imagine would be their own perfect island -- not unlike the one Wonder Woman came from with all of her "sisters" before she was sent out to help the mortal man. Which brings me back to The Sound of Music.

Here we have a naive young nun, Maria, who is cast out by her Mother Superior to see what the outside world is like by helping a middle-aged widower, Captain Von Trapp, rear his seven children and thwart his Nazi induction. The young nun ends up falling in love with the forty-something Captain and running back to the chapel where she was reared, confused and scared, to ask the Mother Superior for advice to which the Mother replies in an Austrian accent, "What is it you can't face Maria?" which the boys behind me pointed out sounds oddly like, "What is it you cunt face Maria?" in her fake Austrian lilt.

Similarly, Wonder Woman was sent to work for a middle-aged man to help him thwart an evil empire aimed at taking over the good ol' U.S. of A. Wonder Woman falls for the Captain that she works for, and because it is television, we are tortured through seasons of unrequited sexual tension between the two that is never resolved by the time the show is canceled by CBS (home of Ed brought to you by the producers of The Late Show with David Letterman!)

My point is three-fold. Firstly, gay men and straight women love The Sound of Music because they always longed to see Wonder Woman and Lyle Waggoner hook up and get down. In The Sound of Music, Maria and Captain Von Trapp get married and go for a month-long honeymoon where I am sure the Captain shows her how they did it in the military. We have no proof of this but Maria is glowing and wearing a smart, yellow tweed suit when she returns -- a far cry from the drapes and habits she was used to. Missing is the smeared mascara and the cigarette hanging from her mouth, but I am guessing that's in the Off-Off-Broadway version. There's a vicarious satisfaction from watching these two lovers grab the brass ring that Wonder Woman couldn't wrap up in two seasons.

Secondly, nothing brings the community together like a good old-fashioned sing-along with available alcohol.

Lastly, both those two put together makes for a thoroughly enjoyable evening out with the gals -- boy and girl gals -- and a small child somewhere in the audience unfortunately dressed as a pitcher of lemonade. Not too tart. Not too sweet.