FRESH YARN PRESENTS:

What is it you C#nt Face Maria?
By Emma Chasin-Rappaport

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Armed with my bag of props, provided by the good people of the Hollywood Bowl, I had my sprig of Edelweiss, card with a "question mark" on it (to hold up during the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?") and square of fabric (read: curtain) among other things, ready to go.

The hills were alive. The Hollywood Hills. And I had 16,000 screaming gay men and acerbic single women to prove it. Gleefully belting out "My Favorite Things" and "Climb Every Mountain," the Bowl took on a fervor. Suddenly, we were all one. Putting aside my constant vigilance of making certain that my shirt was covering the rolls on my stomach, I felt my inhibitions leave my body and I became a part of the Austrian collective, singing my heart out and losing myself in renditions of "Do-Re-Me," hand gestures and all. It was freeing and I have to say, I feel I am a bit closer to understanding why man-on-man love is so appealing. Not for the sexuality of it all, but for the shared camaraderie. The boys behind me were relaxed, loud and confident -- almost like the married women I was with -- they had nothing to prove. No one to impress. They had a community, and even if they weren't partnered up they felt just as confident without a man on their arm as my friends did with a man at home. Gay men are an enigma all unto themselves, and if it were possible, and they were willing, I would spend my days on what I imagine would be their own perfect island -- not unlike the one Wonder Woman came from with all of her "sisters" before she was sent out to help the mortal man. Which brings me back to The Sound of Music.

Here we have a naive young nun, Maria, who is cast out by her Mother Superior to see what the outside world is like by helping a middle-aged widower, Captain Von Trapp, rear his seven children and thwart his Nazi induction. The young nun ends up falling in love with the forty-something Captain and running back to the chapel where she was reared, confused and scared, to ask the Mother Superior for advice to which the Mother replies in an Austrian accent, "What is it you can't face Maria?" which the boys behind me pointed out sounds oddly like, "What is it you cunt face Maria?" in her fake Austrian lilt.

Similarly, Wonder Woman was sent to work for a middle-aged man to help him thwart an evil empire aimed at taking over the good ol' U.S. of A. Wonder Woman falls for the Captain that she works for, and because it is television, we are tortured through seasons of unrequited sexual tension between the two that is never resolved by the time the show is canceled by CBS (home of Ed brought to you by the producers of The Late Show with David Letterman!)

My point is three-fold. Firstly, gay men and straight women love The Sound of Music because they always longed to see Wonder Woman and Lyle Waggoner hook up and get down. In The Sound of Music, Maria and Captain Von Trapp get married and go for a month-long honeymoon where I am sure the Captain shows her how they did it in the military. We have no proof of this but Maria is glowing and wearing a smart, yellow tweed suit when she returns -- a far cry from the drapes and habits she was used to. Missing is the smeared mascara and the cigarette hanging from her mouth, but I am guessing that's in the Off-Off-Broadway version. There's a vicarious satisfaction from watching these two lovers grab the brass ring that Wonder Woman couldn't wrap up in two seasons.

Secondly, nothing brings the community together like a good old-fashioned sing-along with available alcohol.

Lastly, both those two put together makes for a thoroughly enjoyable evening out with the gals -- boy and girl gals -- and a small child somewhere in the audience unfortunately dressed as a pitcher of lemonade. Not too tart. Not too sweet.

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